Bar-Wreckers
by snake screamer
Summary: Once again inspired by Red Witch stories (Though this time it's more of a certain line from said fic). Set in Archer Vice.


_Inspired by a line from Red witch latest fic (with both Ray and Mallory getting ready to shoot each other) This story is set in Archer Vice_

"So any reason why were heading towards a bar instead of doing something important." Ray said annoyed.

"Well Ms. Archer heard that O'Toole was having a singing competition with the prize being money and wants to see if Krieger chip worked." Pam said flicking her thumb backward to indicate Cherlene walking behind them.

"Besides what more important then getting a chance to drink and be out of that gilded cage of a mansion." Archer said

"Gee Archer i don't know. How about Krieger turning my legs back on!" Ray snapped

"I will, I just have to find some stuff, i haven't unpacked everything yet." Krieger said

"Unpacked everything, from what i heard you could have turn me back on back when we still had the agency! Instead you and everybody else is heading to a bar to drink and possibly get money!" Ray snapped

"First of all, Don't get snappish, secondly not everyone here. Lana, Woodhouse and my girlfriend are back in the house." Krieger said

* * *

"Look i get Mallory point. Out of all of us we would be the most logical choices. Since i'm pregnant, you're a hologram and woodhouse addicted to something else entirely. But i wish she would have told me to my face instead of taking everyone else and just leaving me a note saying were guarding the cocaine." Lana said annoyed. She notice that KVG (Krieger Virtual Girlfriend) was just reading a comic (How she did so, Lana had no idea.) "Hey did you hear a word i said."

"I don't think she heard you mam, I believe she was able to shut off her hearing during your repetitive rant. Can't say I blame her." Woodhouse muttered.

"What was that?" Lana said annoyed

"Nothing."

* * *

"Good, cause remember, the contest start in a hour and i refuse for your usual antic to make us lose any money, And i especially don't want to get kicked out by your latest antics." Mallory said glaring at Pam.

"What did i do?" Pam asked, Everyone (Even Archer and Cherlene) gave her a deadpanned look. "Oh... right, the new addiction."

"Yes... if i find out you brought any here or worse ate any of the... merchandise on the way here. I will make sure you wish the Yakuza got there hands on you." Mallory glared as the bartender gave them there drinks. "Last night proved i can barely trust any of you to pull this new business venture."

"Oh come on Mother, I thought we all handle last night well. Plus the only reason it really escalated is cause it's partly Cyril fault." Archer said taking a sip.

"ME! What did i do!?"

"You forgot to tell all of us about that thing that keeps him out of the house if he has no search warrant." Archer said

"Speaking of Holly, isn't it a little weird that he showed up and somehow gave us a good idea for the cocaine after hearing about the shootout?" Krieger said.

"No Krieger I don't! Although now that you mention it does seem suspicious." Archer admitted

"Both of you stop looking a gift horse in the mouth. we got a good idea from that nitwit now let it go." Mallory glared at them.

"Sheesh calm down, i get that Ron leaving rattled you." Ray said

"I'm not mad that he left me but him mailing all my furs. Some of them are expensive enough to feed a third world country" Mallory growled

"But there no reason to snap at us."

"Oh really mister deadweight, i can get that Krieger forgot that tidbit so long, you were a lousy spy even without your legs"

"Ouch!" The other winced

"But how in the world did you not solve the one flaw in our plan b that can get us money in our current situation." Mallory

"Oh gee blame the teacher how original, no offense but you should be counting your luck stars that the little chip didn't turn her into a lettuce rabbit brain damage moron like Trexler."

"Oh please some brain damage may do her some good." Mallory said

"Who are they talking about." Cherlene asked

"What the, there talking about you!" Cyril said

"Oh right, the brain thing, hey do you think that a good idea for a western song title or is that too punk rock." Cherlene said.

"Yep. Your plan B is completely fool proof now..." Ray said sarcastically.

"Oh please like you come up with any better plan B, for example sending your pig to a farm, you should've just send it to a slaughterhouse and cut out the middleman." Mallory said snidely.

"Hey, leave my pig out of this!" Ray snapped.

"Or what pig-lover."

"Oh really, your going there, miss had sex with her dog." Ray snapped.

Mallory gave a glare that (If were fatal) would have set Ray on fire and stabbed his corpse repeatedly with knives. "What?" she asked tensely.

"You heard me! everyone knows about you're almost creepy lover like obsession with that thing."

"How dare you! i treated Duchess with the proper respect as it's owner."

"Proper! you force me as a kid to perform a dance for that dog birthday once and punish me for no allowance for a year when it didn't like it!" Archer said

"You stay out of this, this is between me and the robot queen of pigs." Mallory snapped

"Oh that it." Ray said annoyed as he pulled out his gun and Mallory did the same.

"What." Mallory growled "You think you can hit me."

"I may have been a drunken mess for awhile but i think i can still hit you hag."

"Guys shouldn't we put those away please." Cyril said

"Cyril quiet, i'm trying to bet with Pam to see if both shoot each other." Archer said. He quickly ducked as both turn to shoot at him. "WHAT THE SHIT!"

"We're not having this argument for your amusement Archer." Ray snapped

"Seriously, it's bad enough we lose alot of cocaine partly cause of your idiocy, but now your trying to use me for gambling." Mallory said

"Well you should've thought of that before gambling with me as a kid and stealing my halloween candy, my easter candy and even my christmas presents!" Archer snapped

Flashbacked

"Can i have my ball back." A young Archer asked

"No, you lost it and its now Duchess chew toy. You should've thought of that that before stupidly trying to call my bluff." Mallory stated as she petted the aforementioned dog with a pat on the head.

Flashback over

"Yeesh, no offense Ms. Archer but that kinda proved Ray poi-" Mallory glared at Cyril, contemplating whether to turn the gun on him. "On second thought never mind."

"Oh come on you guys aren't too shoot me, you still need me. Especially since Mother a lousy crime boss and Ray will somehow stop his legs working again." both there glares darken "And i just realize i should have kept my sentence short."

"Yeah, you really inserted your foot in your mouth there." Pam said

* * *

"Reports about a group of 7 people were causing chaos in O'Toole pub this evening. a old woman and a handicap man was firing at a man with who screamed 'Classic mother' at the old women as he kept trying to dodge there shots while the wheelchair man told a nerdy glasses man to go faster. A man wearing a lab coat was hit in the head with a guitar as a red head female shouted "I love country Woo." before chasing the other three. Finally a well endow women carried the lab coat wearing man as she followed the rest of the group. They were seen exiting the bar as the bartender ran out and shouted that all seven of them were banned." A newcaster reported.

Lana turned off the TV as she turn to the others. "So... have anything to say for yourself."

"I don't wanna talk about it." Archer said

"Ditto." Ray and Mallory said

"Well i figure since the contest wouldn't let me in cause of those three, I'll do the next big thing and hurt somebody to get people to hear about me." Cherlene said

"I was a victim of said idea." Krieger said holding a icepack.

"I had the unfortunate job of carrying him." Pam said

"My glasses aren't that nerdy." Cyril said annoyed at that report.

"Hmhm." Lana said "Oh btw Mallory, i have a question, when Holly comes around asking what the heck were we doing at O'Toole, should we have hidden the cocaine in the tunnels or should we just give it to Pam in the mad hope that she can get rid of it all."

Mallory just glared darkly.

 _The end._


End file.
